The Tears Continue To Flow

Scott and I are numb after this last MRI. Sunday we went to church. I asked the Pastor for special prayer so after the service we went to the prayer room where they prayed for Scott. Everyone in the prayer room cried even the Pastor. Scott kept saying" I just don't understand" My heart is broken and sadly I have questioned my faith.
My mom has Scott on every prayer chain in every state that she knows someone. I feel guilty because I am just to exhausted to pray.
I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I don't understand when Scott takes a step forward why he gets knocked back three. I don't understand why we are being tested time after time after time.
My mom always says that God never puts more on you than you can handle. I don't know if I agree with that anymore. I think it has gotten to the point where we are just going through the motions,
waiting for the doctors to tell us our next move, our next course of treatment.

This Makes More Sense

Scott and I settled down enough to talk about the radiologists reading of his MRI. It is not the cerebral artery that is swollen. It is the right side of his brain that is swelling. This could be a number of things, radiation therapy from 15 years ago, chemo, scar tissue, necrosis etc. The swelling in the brain has shifted the cerebral artery to the left side of the brain. If the artery continues to shift it will have no where to go. If it has no where to go or it gets pinched off if can cause a stroke or death. The radiologist said the tumor is stable. Now we wait until our appt. on th 3rd.

Therapy

Michelle and I have started walking the causeway at 4:30 am. We are able to walk the causeway and return back to work, get dressed for work, make Dr. Joe's coffee and begin our work day @ 6:00 am.
I am not a night person but, I love early mornings it is peaceful and still a little cool. I love hearing the water beat against the rocks.
It's great because I don't have to worry about working out when I get home and it helps to reduce the amount of stress throughout the day that I have been feeling.

Another Hurtle

Scott had his MRI today. The tumor is stable but, the cerebal artery is swollen and has caused a midline shift. This is a problem because if the midline continues to shift eventually it will have no where to go and could either cause a stroke or death.
We have an appt. with Dr. Nick Friday Apirl 3rd. We don't know what is causing the swelling or what the treatment is. If dexamethasone is an option - we hope it is not our only option. Scott does not want to take it again because of the damage it has done to his body. But, if it is his only option then we will have no choice.

Determined

Scott has been working out excessively. Scott works out his left hand/arm with assistance from his right arm/hand. His right arm is huge. Yesterday his left hand was able to pull down 5 lbs. 5 times unassisted. Scott also walked the tile for an hour. What this does is aligns his foot to stay straight and flat. His eating habits are better and he seems to have a better handle on his emotions.

Back On Track

Scott had his evaluation with Physical Therapy yesterday. His therapist wasn't very happy with
Scott's lack of progress (Scott knew she wouldn't be) Scott did man up and told her he dropped the ball. Somehow he let the lack of use of his arm and leg to get the best of him. She asked him to walk for her and he said it was going to be the walk of shame : ( Poor Scott, I just didn't know what else to do or how to shake his depression. She understood but, was not sympathetic which is good for Scott. He started therapy yesterday and was exhausted last night.
Skylar was over for a few hours so her and I went to dinner and then shopping. It amazes me how fast she is growing up. At dinner, I felt like I was having a conversation with a small adult. When she speaks I listen in amazement with her vocabulary. She can dial the phone now so I am pretty sure as soon a she memorizes my number she will be calling more often.

Three Cheers For Scott

Scott has an appointment for physical therapy on the 17th. He is returning back to Health First with his original therapist. The first appt. is for an evaluation and then he will began physical therapy. I think it will build not only physical strength but also emotional strength and allow him to get back in a routine. I willing to do whatever I can at home to help with his progress.
Scott has been working out more at home, which is great to see. He has to assist the working out of his left hand with his right so it takes him longer than it would you or I. But, he is hanging in there and determined.
Scott has an MRI the end of this month and I am apprehensive about it. My mind is my worst enemy. I'll be glad when it is over and we get the results.

Rollercoaster Of Events

Scott is really depressed/frustrated over the fact that he still is dragging around his leg and arm.
I suggested me helping him with working his leg. Last night was my first night as a physical therapist.It makes me nervous not being really sure what I am doing. For instance I clipped the weight to a belt that went around Scott's shoe and then I stood up. I'm looking at Scott - Scott's looking at me..Uh Dalana you have to make my leg move. Oh yeah... That's one of the problems he can not making his leg bend like he is marching. There is one exercise that he does sitting where he extends his leg and that one he does really well.
Scott's state of mind really concerns me right now. He has lost a lot of weight. It is really starting to take it's toll on him and breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel so helpless and we both are on an emotinal rollercoaster.
We went to funeral for a 27 year old girl , whose life was taken from cancer. Not a good thing for Scott and I to do but, because it was a family that we've been close to since the 70's. Me and my family set up a hanger that the family owned for the family and friends to come back to after the funeral. There were so many people that after the first hundred people, you didn't even see people's faces but love that all the people had for this family. The events hit to close to home.
I did meet a man, who worked for the pentagon. He asked me to give Blake his e-mail and he would walk him through the steps for flight school. I passed the information to Blake and he was estactic. He was just talking to his Sgt. just on Tuesday and I had no idea he was even interested. If he is accepted it will put him 7 hours from home.
I believe he was put in my path for reason. Out of 200+ people he was the one I met. I have been doing alot of soul searching and feel that God is really working in my life.