I was cleaning and shredding paperwork yesterday when I came across Scott's MRI results from the hospital. Before I shredding the paper work I wanted to make sure it wasn't something we needed so I flipped through all the paperwork and began reading.
"BIG MISTAKE" HUGE MISTAKE - what the hell was I thinking. I told Scott that I had read it and his reaction was also what the hell were you thinking. He then told me he would never tell me what Dr. T (the neuro surgeon) told him. He said it was a closed door conversation. OH!! that made me feel better. I am an emotional wreck, I feel like I am walking in a fog. It's hard for me to work because I worry about Scott being alone. What if something happens and he can't get to a phone?? My mind is driving me crAzY. I said in the beginning I will not let chemo control our lives but, it's hard to not let this disease control my every thought. I feel like Demi Moore in the movie Ghost. I tell Scott all the time how much I love him, how important he is in my life but, I feel like I can't tell him or show him enough. Does he know how happy he makes me???
Neither of us know what tomorrow will bring but, each episode that Scott has scares me. I wonder if it is the tumor , chemo, the injection or changes in the brain from the surgery. I am scared each day to not tell him how important he is to me because what if there is no tomorrow. I had surprises that I had to spill because I am afraid to keep a surprise for the fact that I may not get that chance to "Surprise" him.
I am looking forward to getting away for a few days. Scott has his injection Thursday and Scott, Skylar and I are having dinner with Cinderella and the Princess's that evening. Scott favorite is Belle. I just hope he is feeling okay after the excitement the last injection caused.
Blake is suppose to go to Iraq in October , if his compassionate reassignment does not go through. I am really hoping it does because I honestly think I am at my breaking point.
I don't even what to utter the words "What Else" could possibly go wrong.
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Hi Ya,
Get one of those "help I've fallen and can't get up" things that notifies emergency services with the push of a button that the patient wears around their neck--This is a just in case thing that will ease your mind. Or find something that he can wear that will automatically dial you. I'm not saying this for Scott, but for your peace of mind. He could trip over the dog like I have last week and reinjured my ankle.
Or ask someone to come and stay with Scott until you get home.
You do have people who want to help you through this round of chemo. All you have to do is ask.
We all want to help.
Love,
Michelle and Mark
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